Christian Living,  Prodigal Child Season,  Seasons of Illness

Who is the Fixer Embracer at Your House? You or Him?

No two people are alike.  God heals our broken hearts and bandages our wounds differently from others.  Whether male or female, it’s difficult to manage pain and loss of a trial while drudging through the otherwise “normal” days of life.  We need not expect our journey to be the same as the journey of our Mr Embracer. 

REALIZING YOUR DIFFERENCES:

The Emotional Mess – We women are known as the emotional creatures, so it’s no surprise that we are often a crying heap.  But, when things are anything but normal, you may find your Mr. Embracer to be an emotional mess, as well.  He may need to cry as often as you.  Cling together as cry babies or whatever you wish to call it.  And, don’t let gender stereotypes trap you into certain molds.

Differences in Responses – Husbands often have trouble understanding our grief responses.  Women process things so differently!  Men get unnerved by our emotions because they can’t “fix them”.  They don’t understand us.  They don’t know how to help us with control (or lack thereof).  Likewise, your Mr. Embracer may vent in ways that are new and unfamiliar to you – and even to himself.  And that’s OK.  He may feel the need to hit a wall with his fist, crumble in tears, or sulk alone in a corner.

Different Levels of Trust – You may have problems trusting God with the outcome of your trial (as discussed in It’s in the “Trusting” post).  You and your spouse may be opposites in the trust department.  One may be able to completely let go and trust God with all that happens.  This particular spouse has much less worry than the partner with trust issues.  The non-trusting spouse can become angry at their mate for not worrying with them  and seeming not to care  (although that’s not true at all).

Anger at God – We sometimes experience anger over how God could allow a certain trial.  If your husband has more anger issues than you, perhaps you need to give him grace and compassion just as God gives to us.  Realize your warrior embracer  is dealing with things the best way he can, given his masculine wiring.  If you have anger issues, realize God can handle your anger.  Give it to Him and experience His love and care for you, His grace, and His compassion.  Give yourself a break – and your warrior embracer, as well.

Stages of Grieving – Sometimes a trial brings a need to let go.  Letting go of things like:

a relationship,
a job,
material things,
good health,
usual activities,
or previous expectations.

Grief happens not only with death, but when changes occur.  Your sequencing through the stages of grief will not be identical to your husband’s.  You and your Mr. Embracer will order them differently and move through the stages in miss-matched time frames.  One of you may get stuck in a grief phase.  Either or both of you may need professional help from a Christian counselor.  Grief is a completely individualized process.

Mr. Fix It – Our embracer husbands are “fixers”.  His God-given job as leader (and fixer) can be hard from which to pry his grip!  Husbands/dads are often compelled to take control and fix  the problem, whatever that means.  He may see his responsibility as preventing failure and difficulties in the lives of all family members.  What does this look like at your house?  During a prodigal season, your fixer embracer  may want to get in the car and physically rescue your child and bring them home – or take hold and fix their life.  Try to explain to him (or yourself if you’re a Mrs. Fixer Embracer) that it must be your prodigal’s choice to return.  If forced to return against their will, they will go away again in rebellion.

And, pray –  Pray that you will hear God’s voice clearly and loudly enough to break through

your devastation,
your shock,
your anger,
your grief,
your continual flow of tears,
your “fixer” protection mode,
and your fear –

to shake you both into obedience to the Lord. 

And trust Him –  God is completely trustworthy.  He truly is in control.  He has this!

Blessings~

 

Hi and welcome! It's wonderful to have fellow "embracers" during some pretty tough seasons - and some triumphant ones, too. I invite you to enroll to receive my blog posts by email so you don't miss what's coming next.

6 Comments

  • Tina

    A wonderful post, my sweet cousin, and so relatable! I hope this finds you doing well and having a good week! I Love you! 😘

  • Robin

    I’m just getting to this a month late! My email is just ridiculous!
    My husband learned great things long ago.
    “Don’t trust your feelings. TruSt what God said. “
    “Don’t go back(to the past). Keep your focus “. He uses the example of Lot’s wife looking back and becoming a pillar of salt! We have a habit of allowing the enemy to get us riled up. He throws a thought into our head. Then we start thinking of a person or event from the past. Something that takes us back to things we did that we now wish we had not done. He knows just how to push that button. My husband does NOT allow this in his life! I try. I fail. I try some more. LoL
    My husband purposely studied about women from godly men who wrote books and had cassette tapes (back in the 90s) about us. He knows we need to talk out loud to figure things out. So he doesn’t always try to FIX everything. Thank goodness! To much “fixing” of things we don’t need them to fix makes us women nuts! LOL

    My husband is a huge truster in the LORD. He doesn’t get angry at God. No matter what. I wouldn’t say I get “mad”, I just get frustrated. I have to remind myself He’s got this. I am not supposed to be in control of everything, only what I am supposed to be in control of. ( Like MYSELF, how I react to things, to be specific)

    Just this week we had another “test “. We have a truck that needed work. It was not drivable. I Had it towed to the mechanic Monday. I had to be at the mechanic when the tow truck got there. 45 minutes away. He overheated and had to switch trucks and get gas. I had to sit in my car with the AC running for 40 minutes because the shop office has no AC and I can’t take the heat. Monday eve the house AC all of a sudden was not working right. Tuesday the mechanic said the engine is not fixable. It needs a new one. And engines for that truck are known to have issues so he won’t put a used one in. We had budgeted $1000. New engine is $6100! And our mechanic is the most reasonable around! No new engine for us. Tuesday I tried to see if the AC was something we could do….clean coils, etc. Wednesday I called the AC people and they said they would come FRIDAY! I had to hook up the portable AC in the living room. ( I slept on the couch with Q for 2nights. The BR was too hot!) I also had to have the truck towed back home Wednesday. Again, they wanted me to be there when the tow truck got there. Well that all got jacked up. He got there really fast. My dad was supposed to meet him. But I was supposed to receive a call when the guy was 20 minutes out. No call. But he was a great guy! He took the truck anyway and brought it home! He said that since I was a plus member and I get the tow for free he doesn’t follow that “rule” of having to be there! Amen! He was also a believer! I went to pick up my free organic produce on Thursday and nobody was there. It’s also a 45 minute drive there. But back it’s longer due to road construction. (They forgot to tell me they were not doing it because they had I one to pick up the produce) I wasted a good part of the evening. Friday the AC guy came and it was $275 for freon.

    I told this story to show that I could have been frustrated. We had $1000 for the truck. We had no extra for the AC breakdown. We used truck funds for the AC. My 17 y/o is supposed to get my husband’s car for school and he was going to drive the truck. She needs a car so she can do early release to go to work. (No job yet due to no car) I kept telling myself “Trust Him. He knows the situation “. I remind myself that when things are going bad one on top of another that God is about to move on our behalf. It’s coming! I think of Job! My husband doesn’t waver. EVER! But of course he is a man and they go into “thinking” mode trying to figure out what to do. They get quiet. They are not mad at us or ignoring us. They are thinking. Years ago I did not know this important fact. I was young and always assumed my (1st) husband was mad at me for something I either didn’t do or did wrong. A lot of unnecessary stress! But when you don’t know, you don’t know! I believe all that stress back then contributed to my health issues. But now I really try not to allow the enemy to get that control over me!

    I’m still working on organization of my craft madness. ( Of course I had to rearrange temporarily so the AC guy had room around the heater/AC in the basement in case he had to open it up. So that messed up my progress. BUT I found something else to do. I went through yarn and put each project in a bag. I separated them by type of project and if I had a pattern for the yarn or not yet.

    My husband says “Inch by inch it’s a cinch “. Every tiny bit of progress IS progress. So instead of looking at the “glass” as half empty I look at it as filling up a little bit more each day!

    Q is in Kin-DOG-garten! (He IS 6. LOL) He is in with puppies (who are all crazy and misbehaved but soooo cute!). He is learning how to FOCUS amongst the puppy chaos. I am going to use him as my service dog! Doc said the car accident put me over the top and said I have PTSD. Stress accumulates. I am not claiming the diagnosis! BUT! If I can relieve stress for both Q and myself then I will make him my service dog. He has huge anxiety when in the crate when I’m not home. He barks for 5 hours every Sunday and bangs his tail on the crate and it has lost hair and it bleeds. I get upset knowing he is home upset hurting himself. I rush home. And the stress. It makes you sick. He doesn’t need more issues. Neither do I. So. Service doggie won’t be stressed and either will I. And I can write off all his costs! Win win! So he is in training so he can stop sniffing everything and focus on ME. He has had 2 classes so far. 4 to go. Then the trainer will tell us what is next.

    • Kim

      Wow, that is certainly what I call a trial pile-up! I don’t know how you managed to keep calm, but you did it! Waiting for God to act is sometimes like watching a pot boil. Your husband is right to change our focus from our problems to the Lord. I’m glad to hear your plans for Q. Sounds like a perfect solution! 🙂

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